Hello and welcome to The Top 30 Best Worst Movies of All Time Part 1.
There’s something inherently satisfying in watching a wretched film, and its often just as pleasurable as watching a cinematic classic. That’s why the phrase Best Worst Movie makes total sense to those in the know.
I’m not sure at the exact point in my life I learned to love bad movies, but I believe it started when I was a child watching the local tv station (KERA, CH 11 in FT Worth TX to be exact) that would show Japanese monster movies and Kung-Fu films. Even a small child could discern the poor production values and awful overdubbing. It took something that was already inherently foreign to myself and made it that much more inviting and less intimidating given it’s oddness and ineptitude.
Cable was the next step. Stay up too late, and any number of abysmal horror movies, underwhelming action films, and lowest common denominator teen comedy were there for your perusal. Given I’ve always battled insomnia and was in the beginning of puberty when we got cable, it was no surprise how I gravitated towards cinematic junk food. Plus with lack of sleep, comes lack of judgment, so it makes even more sense to me now!
I’d like to think that even back then I knew trash from treasure, but could appreciate the poorly executed when delivered with either utmost sincerity (Ed Wood) or by the most cynical of production houses (Roger Corman, Troma, etc). And when I was in my college years, I discovered another amazing genre in blaxploitation films. That genre has the unusual distinction of helping African-American cultural identity by giving them heroic figures after years of minor roles, while at the same time being so offensive with it’s stereotypical portrayal and poor production values that it inspires both dismay and humor . The fact that it’s had such a long shelf life is proof of the latter.
A film that’s so bad it’s good, is like eating a fried desert at a state fair. It sounds like a good idea at the time, tastes great at first , but then turns your stomach on the way down. You know its a bad proposition, but you just can’t say no.
Make no mistake, there’s a difference between a film that’s flawed yet enjoyable, or so inept it’s comical, versus something that’s so devoid of energy or respect for any modicum of intelligence from its audience that it makes you want to set fire to the movie theater or chuck a cinder block at your TV. It is the former that I’m dedicating this blog series to.
Some of you are familiar with a film which came out in 2010; “Best Worst Movie”.
This movie was all about the making of, and the cult following which followed the release of the film “Troll 2”, It’s one of many contenders to the throne of the worst film of all time.
After watching the documentary, I decided to watch the source material. “Troll 2” did indeed suck, and had some pretty funny moments, but I found it didn’t quite live up to the hype that the documentary foretold. In light of this, here are the 30 films that are so bad they’re amazing.
If you want some cinematic pain/pleasure in your life (and you know you do), clicking on any of the title images will take you straight to Amazon for purchase. And as we go, I’ll have some prize YouTube clips of some of the most jaw dropping excrement to ever splatter the silver screen.
When it comes to the septic tank of cinema, Troma’s at the top (i.e. bottom) of the heap. Bad acting, and horrible production values. Where to begin on this Craptasterpiece? The film would almost be better seen in braille, given its dim lighting . Then follows the non-existent plot, which borders around 3 adolescent girls whose dates transform into zombies thanks to a mad scientist. This is one of those films that’s so disjointed and non-sensical the plot’s irrelevant. And it begs mentioning that the scientist has a special computer for his daughter, complete with a robot puppet who gives her dating advice (sage advice includes: hitch-hiking is a great way to meet men). See for yourself with this clip at the 40:00 mark.
29. “Black Roses”.
Anytime you have a horror film that deals with heavy metal, rest assured it will suck. And this is no exception. It involves a sleepy small town that’s infiltrated by a rock band that has the occult powers to turn the local teenagers into demonic beasts just by hearing their music. Check out the first clip where the band fakes out the parents into thinking they’re a wholesome musical experience, only to divulge their evil intentions at the 2:48 mark:
Or see the band in full monster mode here!
I like how the lyrics include the line “This ain’t no false façade”, as opposed to those real facades…
With a title as underwhelming as this, you can expect the worst, and you’d be right. The action hero looks like a dead ringer of Brian May of Queen. Shot in Indonesia, it has a strange look and pacing that add to its repellant charm. Here’s a sneak peek. Of note is the very lackluster car chase, complete with a car getting pushed into the back of a semi truck just like out of the classic video game ‘Spyhunter!”
‘Devil’s Dynamite’ is the 1st of several entries in the crapdown, er countdown, directed by Godfrey Ho. A film director from Japan often called the Ed Wood of the East, and for good reason. Ho would often splice together 2 different films, completely unrelated to each other, and tie them together under the loosest of premises. You’d have one character clearly shot in the 80’s having a phone conversion with someone from the 1960’s. He’d often use music from other films or rock bands, without asking permission. In ‘Devil’s Dynamite’ you have a martial arts horror hybrid. And a character named Steve Cocks, who’s always referred to by his full name, and the double entendre never gets old. Check out these pathetic vampires, who lose any essence of terror when they hop like bunny rabbits at the 3:08 mark . They even put the emasculated losers from ‘Twilight’ to shame:
I guess the director of this film had great plans for this sci-fi clunker. He had film veterans Roddy McDowall and Keenan Wynn in supporting roles, and good ole ‘Grease’ nerd Eddie Geezen trying to spread his dorky charm to the project. They even have stop motion turtle beasts!
But they also had a twerp as the lead with all the charisma of moldy bread, and a plot as compelling as watching paint dry. But nope, they thought they were a contender to match with ‘Star Wars’, so much so that the lead character blows up a billboard of the film with his laser cannon. No such luck. But they left us with a prize stinker, which you can enjoy in its own right or to even greater effect courtesy of “Mystery Science Theater 3000′. Here’s the trailer to the original film.
**And click here to read my new interview with the Mystery Science Theater 3000 creator, Joel Hodgson!
Enjoy heartwarming schmaltzy films during the holidays? Yeah, me neither. Instead, for next Thanksgiving, how about watching an anti-drug film where a Elvis-wannabee becomes a blood thirsty man-turkey hybrid after devouring hallucinogenic laced turkey breast? Yes, that’s the plot of ‘BloodFreak’ and it’s even weirder than it sounds:
Another turd from the house that Troma built. The basic gist of this film is an alien lands on the planet and goes on a rampant killing spree. But what makes it stand out are the sub par special effects, and the utter lack of appeal by the 2 leads. The main character is a cop with the unfortunate body type of scrawny up top, and bloated down below. His love interest has some genetic problems herself and some drastic tan lines. The intimate scene that transpires between them is far more frightening than any of the murders by the Nightbeast. Keep a trash can ready while you watch this clip, you may need it! Thankfully it’s slightly censored, sparing your eyeballs the full carnage within.
Well I think that’s all anyone can stomach for the time being. When you’re ready, check out Part 2 of The Top 30 Best Worst.