So here we are for the Top 30 Best Worst Movies of All Time Part 2.
Hopefully you’ve recovered from the previous installment. Buckle up, it’s all downhill from here! Remember, if you’re wanting to add one of these oddities to your collection, clicking on the image will take you to Amazon, thus supporting this lovely blog. Let’s begin:
23. ‘Blackbelt Jones’
The first of several from the Blaxploitation genre. This stinker stars Jim Kelly who’s most famous for appearing with Bruce Lee in the martial arts classic ‘Enter The Dragon’. Here, he’s trying to save a his friends martial arts school from being dissolved as the building is under ownership by the mafia. After his friend is killed by the mob for not paying up, he decides to take revenge, alongside his slain friend’s daughter. With a performance that can only be described as wooden, Kelly doesn’t have much to offer in the way of charm, and is clearly out matched by his female counterpart in this clumsy, erratic and offensive ‘will they or won’t they’ hook up scene:
And McDonald’s gets a nice plug:
22. The ‘Leprechaun’ Series.
To know the Leprechaun, is to hate him, even while you chuckle at his horrible double entendres done in piss poor limerick form. It’s a self-inflicted wound you just can’t stop picking at. Warwick Davis was clearly hard up for cash, but at least now he has a HBO show, so I guess fate is being kind again. Useless trivia fact: Jennifer Anniston got her start in the first film. In the sequels, he went to Las Vegas, Outer Space, and to the inner city. Shouldn’t outer space be the final frontier? And of course he had to do a rap in the latter film. Don’t deny yourself the wretched pleasure of hearing “Lep In The Hood”
21. Tie: ‘Zombie Nightmare’ & ‘Rock’N’Roll Nightmare’
Jon-Mikl Thor was D.O.A. in more ways than one when he played a Zombie in ‘Zombie Nightmare’. He sure worked on his pecs, but his charisma is suffering from malnutrition. Plus there’s a psychic who speaks incantations like she’s gargling mouthwash. To make this even more of a labor of loathe, Batman himself Adam West plays the crooked police chief. You can see the depression in his eyes from appearing in this dud.
Here’s a clip of the psychic in her ‘inimitable’ portrayal:
This film is available in original form or done over by the ‘Mystery Science Theater 3000’ crew (also referred to as ‘MST3K’), but I think watching it unadorned works best, as ‘MST3K’ cut out some hilarious scenes.
And why do we have a tie here? Because Jon-Mikl-Thor made another dung heap called, wait for it, ‘Rock’n’Roll Nightmare’. (Sense a theme?). In this one, his band ‘Triton’ go into a rural farmhouse to record their album. I’ve never seen a recording studio have a fully lighted stage, have you? Well it’s in there. And demons lurk there as well, culminating in the final battle between Jon-Mikl and the netherworld. Feast your eyes on this:
And after watching this turd two-some, prepare to have some nightmares of your own:
20. ‘Scream Blacula Scream’
Here we have the worst of both worlds. Blaxploitation crossed with horror. You gotta love the lead performance by William Marshall. He really tried to give his character a theatrical panache and dignity, even though he overacts out the wazoo. Unfortunately he’s outmatched by the dialogue and horrible effects. This is one of my favorite scenes, as Blacula squares off against some pimps:
19. ‘Merlin’s Magical Shop Of Wonders’.
Perhaps inspired by Godfrey Ho, here’s a film that appears to be a spliced version of 3 other films. It’s all horrid, and not even veteran actor Ernest Borgnine can redeem it. It’s ‘Princess Bride’ without any flair, and with some dark content that seems out-of-place in a children’s film. What makes it special, is this over-the-top, poorly executed scene where a man ages rapidly, becoming Merlin himself, but not before he does some involuntary fire-breathing. I know, It makes no sense, but you will laugh. The cast of ‘MST3K’ had a field day on this one.
18. ‘Ninja Terminator’
Speaking of Mr Ho, here’s his second entry into the countdown. Starring sorta-star Richard Harris, it once again is a hodgepodge of 2 different films, shot in 2 different eras. It has some seriously overwrought fight scenes, but my favorite scene is when he’s intimidated by a toy robot, and afterwards has a serious conversation on his ‘Garfield’ phone. Check out the clip below. It’s also worth noting after this film, Harris retired from acting. He knew when he was beat!
17. ‘Body Melt’
I’ve heard Tarantino is a fan of this lunkheaded splatter flick, and I have to admit it does have a certain stench ridden appeal. The plot revolves around diet pills with the nasty side effects of hallucination and severe mutation. It’s basically an excuse to show off special effects that’re anything but. The film fancies itself in the vein of Peter Jackson’s earlier films such as ‘Dead Alive’ or ‘Bad Taste’ but they lack the skill set to reach those heights. Watch this and you’ll see what I mean.
16. ‘Gnaw 2; Food Of the Gods’
I’ve never seen the original ‘Gnaw’ but apparently it’s accused of some nasty animal rights violations, which luckily I haven’t seen firsthand, given my soft spot for critters. Thankfully the sequel only violates the rights of film audiences, because it is a travesty of the most amazing order. This film deals with lab research on rats to help combat a severe case of gigantism in a small child. Nothing will prepare you for the randomness of THIS SCENE. Start at the 4:00 mark, and then wait til 4:26, and you’ll see what I mean. The giant rats which come later are just the icing on the cake.
15. Tie: ‘Werewolf’ & ‘Soultaker’
Have you ever heard of Joe Estevez? Don’t feel bad if you haven’t, few have. He’s Martin Sheen’s brother, and an actor of dismal stature. I don’t think this dude could drink enough tiger’s blood to ever be ‘winning’, even by his insane nephew’s standards. But he’s blessed us with two golden turds of horror cinema, both of which got the ‘MST3K’ treatment. The former is so stunningly bad start to finish that finding just one clip is difficult, so here’s a nice collection. Play close attention to co-star George Rivero’s hair. I think he must have had a set of rotating toupee’s.
‘Soultaker’ is about a over glorified Grim Reaper who has in it for a bunch of teenagers. Joe is the main ‘Soultaker’, but also keep your eyes peeled for Robert Z’dar. You can’t miss him. The commentators of ‘MST3K’ call him a “catcher’s mitt with eyes”, and for good reason. The only thing really scary about this film is that it actually got financed. Whereas Joe’s appearance in ‘Werewolf’ was brief, here he gets to (not) steal the show with a meatier role. Enjoy a sampler:
14.’Dolemite, The Human Tornado’
Rudy Ray Moore was a comedian from the 19 70’s who had a formative influence on early hip-hop acts, due to his crude humor and rhyming skills. I wouldn’t say he was a skilled comedian, but somehow he’s funny in spite of being painfully unfunny. Does that make any sense? No? Well neither does he, for that matter.
Moore created the character of Dolemite, which is basically an extrapolation of his comedian persona, who constantly finds himself on the wrong side of the law. And to explain ‘Dolemite’ is actually more difficult than I first realized. Just watch this trailer and judge it for yourself:
Alright folks, that wraps up installment 2 of the Best Worst Movies ever. Stay tuned for the final 13. An unlucky number if there ever was one!