The 10 Worst Rock Videos Ever Made

As promised in 20 Bad Rock Songs That I Hate Part 2, here is the companion piece, the Top 10 Worst Rock Videos Ever Made.

So now your eyes can share the same misery as your ears. Fun!

Music videos are going the way of the Dodo bird. This marketing gimmick which came to fruition in the 80’s & 90’s was at best a small artistic film, providing rich visuals to contextualize the song’s inner meaning, and at worst it was just boring, by-the-numbers performance pieces.

But occasionally you have some videos that go to a new level. Either the director was clueless, or the band clashed on the artistic vision, and you wind up with a calamity of horrific proportions.

It is to the latter that this blog is dedicated.

10. ‘Sweating Bullets’-Megadeth

If there was any sign that Dave Mustaine was on his way to crapping out musically and mentally this song and video was it. Besides being one of their worst songs, this video has a strange cartoonish feel which takes away any of the supposed menace about losing one’s sanity. But the subject matter turned out was true, given Mustaine’s recent endorsement of Rick Santorum. Talk about sweating bullets, I was in emotional lockdown until he pulled out of the race. “Hello Me, meet the real me!”  No thanks.

 

9. ‘Island In The Sun’-Alcatrazz

I don’t know much about this band except that it featured the guitar shredder and doughnut enthusiast Yngwie Malmsteen, and a singer who was in Ritchie Blackmore’s Rainbow, albeit briefly. With a truly sickening saccharine production and beyond over the top delivery, I wish that when they locked these dudes up that they threw away the key.

 

8. ‘Running Wild’-Girlschool

If Andrew Lloyd Webber’s ‘Cats’ wasn’t intolerable enough, we have this hair metal knock off version. And what exactly is that old guy doing? And the song? Ugh. It makes Pat Benatar’s ‘Love Is A Battlefield’ sound like Slayer in comparison.

 

7.’Can’t Fight This Feeling Anymore’-REO Speedwagon

REO Speedwagon made some of the more nauseating soft rock in the late 70’s and early 80’s but none were worse than this, accompanied by a video sappier than any of those 80’s sit-com episodes where they went all serious while discussing child safety issues. After watching this you won’t be able to fight your feeling to run to the toilet.

6.’Cherry Pie’-Warrant

This video is one of the worst of its kind. What is so infuriating about the video is that it expresses EVERY single aspect of the song lyrics in literal detail, with ham handed sexual metaphors (a cherry pie falling into a lap…what does that mean? uhhhhhhhhhh). And can anyone forget that fake prosthetic mouth at the 1:24 mark? Sadly the singer passed away, so I don’t want to rag on this mercilessly, but he even admitted to hating the video. It’s truly a relic of its era.

 

5. ‘Balls To The Wall’-Accept

Even the most snobbish music fan has to have a little love for this head-banging classic, but the video is another story. Between the dorky synchronized stage moves to the rows of dudes banging their junk into the concrete, this video will make you want to bang your head through the tv.

 

Let me preface this entry by saying that I LOVE Judas Priest (I’ll even defend the much maligned synth-guitar fueled ‘Turbo’ album), but video wise they stink, and this is the worst of the worst. And while I admire singer Rob Halford for coming out loud and proud, I can’t imagine anyone of either sexual orientation or gender  getting hot and bothered over the band pumping iron or hitting the sauna and shower. It’s amazing it took fans so long to figure out the obvious. Speaking of videos, I guess the girl who wanted to ‘jump Rob Halford’s bones’  back in 1986 has moved on in life, but she’ll forever be frozen in time in the epic rock slice of life that is ‘Heavy Metal Parking Lot.’ Be sure to watch it if you haven’t already, it is amazing.

 

3. ‘Blow Your Speakers’-Manowar

Nothing worse than a music video where the song is about not getting said video played ‘Wrote a letter, to the MTV, what’s goin’ on now, don’t ya care about me?’.  But that’s just for starters. Get ready. Craptastic:

 

2.’Wild Child’-W.A.S.P.

This video is all sorts of wrong. Between the bassist scratching at his hair like he’s battling head lice and singer Blackie Lawless’s vile tights & spastic stage moves like he’s retreating from a fire ant mound, this is a turd from start to end, even though I begrudgingly admit the song is catchy.

 

1. ‘Wild In The Streets’-Helix

I don’t recall this band in the 80’s, and after seeing this video I understand why. Of all the bad hair metal videos out there, none can touch this stink bomb. Where to begin. Oh, the guitarist breaks through a pane of glass. Then the  singer flips over the other guitarist, and both guitarists toss guitars as each other.  One guy looks like Andy Richter on Aquanet and the drummer is a little too happy to be there. Oh, did I mention the singer is missing a tooth? Whoo boy. Talk about video killing the radio star!

So that’s my vote for the Top 10 worst rock videos ever. I should give an honorable mention to R. Kelly’s long form ‘Trapped In The Closet’ video. Although not of the rock genre, it certainly could lay claim to being the worst video of them all. Watch it sometime, if you dare. What would be your pick for the worst videos of all time?

And let’s not forget the dreaded Chiliwack, whose horrible song ‘My Girl’ was listed in Rock songs that I hate part 1. If you haven’t watched it yet, do so now. Seriously. Watch it. Don’t make me suffer alone.

You can watch all these turds and more on VH-1 Classic, especially during ‘Metal Mania’.

Stay tuned for my next post, which will focus on some actual good stuff:  The Top 40 Most Underrated Singers in Rock.