20 Bad Rock Songs That I Hate Part 2.

Okay, now that the initial stench has cleared, let’s finish out this list with my top 10 most hated rock songs. You can see the previous installment here.

10. ‘Hero’-Nickeback

I love Sam Raimi’s first 2 Spider-Man films (don’t get me started on part 3), but the soundtracks suck. The series had songs from both Macy Gray & Dashboard Confessional which are both yuck, but this one really stinks. You have the uninspired rock of Nickelback further turdified by backing vocals from the singer of Saliva, a band who sounded as bad as their name. Luckily they’ve faded from view, but Nickelback seem indestructible, which is quite infuriating.

9.’Going Up The Country’-Canned Heat

This was a band that gained exposure in the 60’s during big festivals like Monterey Pop and Woodstock. This makes total sense, because it would take massive amounts of psychedelic drugs to make them tolerable. With an anemic beat and vocals that are so off-key they make nails on a chalkboard sound pleasing, this is ghastly stuff. Enjoy.

8.’Touch, Peel & Stand”-Days Of The New

I think most music lovers with any sense of taste can agree that post-grunge was terrible. And bands like Nickelback, Godsmack and Creed were likely emboldened by the success of these suckjobs, who apparently liked Alice In Chain’s acoustic albums so much that they ripped them off whole-sale, without adding anything good to the mix. Layne Stayley remains one of the best vocalists not just of the 90’s, but in rock history, and to see him being copied (poorly) is beyond irritating and this band and song were one of the 1st to do so.

7.’The Lumberjack Song’-Jackyl

I don’t know which sound is worse in this song, the annoying chainsaw ‘solo’ or the singer’s voice, which has a strained sound as if he’s swallowed a bowling ball that he cannot pass. Or perhaps it’s the charming lyrics, which contain such memorable lines of seduction such as  “and I ain’t jacked my lumber, since I chain sawed you”!  Sigh. Idiots.

6.  ‘A Favor House Atlantic’-Coheed and Cambria

I can tolerate nasal vocals (I like Rush and Placebo just fine), and even some progressive rock (again, Rush) but this pushes the limits of acceptability in every sense. The singer sounds like he had a helium overdose. And nice hair dude. Legions of fans claim this band rocks. I call bullshit! Nice video too.

5. ‘Ironic’ -Alanis Morrisette.

Alanis is irritating for many reasons. From her glass breaking off-key caterwauling, to her piss poor lyrics, her rise to fame was baffling. But none were worse than this stinker. If you’re going to write about irony, you need to understand the concept. “It’s like 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife” doesn’t qualify, along with every other example she lists. To write a song about irony which is anything but….now that is ironic.

4.’Baby Don’t Treat Me Bad’-Firehouse

I’m not going to pretend I didn’t enjoy some hair metal back in the day. The 1st 2 Motley Crue records were fun, and I have a soft spot for Ratt. But this is a genre that delved into self-parody with alarming quickness. And while I hate bands like the aforementioned Bon Jovi and Poison, (Warrant were even worse), none sound as defanged as this fart-rocket. There is nothing METAL about this. This is Cockrock that’s flaccid. The dude sounds like Carol Channing on a smoke break and the song is cut-rate Boston. Check out these poodle heads in all their nauseating glory:

3. ‘We Built This City’-Starship

I wanted to leave this off the list since it’s been well covered by VH-1 and other music outlets as wretched, but it’s included for a reason. There’s nothing rock and roll about this song. This is another example about a band which declared themselves part of the counterculture in the 60’s (formerly Jefferson Airplane, of ‘White Rabbit’ and ‘Somebody To Love’ fame) becoming corporate rock whores in the 80’s. What makes this even lamer and hypocritical is their supposed anti-authoritarian lyrics: ‘Someone always playing corporation games, who cares their always changing corporation names” and “who counts the money underneath the bar, riding wrecking balls into our rock guitars”, followed by one pretty pathetic excuse for a guitar riff. Sorry folks, you can’t fly your freak flag high with a crap song covered in 80’s pop-style production.

And it’s the only song I know that has the word hoopla in it, i.e.  “knee-deep in the hoopla” which was the same title as their album. Doesn’t that just roll off the tongue? More like knee-deep in the poop-la.

2.’Pretty Fly For A Whiteguy’-The Offspring

UGH. Do I need to elaborate on this?

 

1.’Walking On Sunshine’-Katrina & The Waves

Whoo boy, this song is dreadful. Why it rankles me above all others I can’t exactly quantify. Perhaps because it was used in almost every film trailer for lame comedies in the 80’s and 90’s. Or that it’s so overly chipper. I have a bizarre reaction to music; songs that are overly happy make me depressed, and songs that are dark and dreary satisfy me. Who knows. But this song is the kind of tune written by someone in a manic mood which can only be followed by  crippling depression later. And this abomination continues to live on through other commercials and 80’s retro radio. Bret Easton Ellis must have had the same reaction to this garbage when he skewered it (as well as Huey Lewis) in his novel (and later film) ‘American Psycho’. It certainly makes me psychotic.

At least they only had one hit which makes me pleased. To quote their lyrics: “And don’t it feel good!”

 

 

So there’s my Top 20. There’s so many horrible songs out there, I think I’ll have to do an expanded edition at some point. Blues Traveler, Linkin Park and Counting Crows got off way too easy. They’ll get their due…

And be sure to check out The Top 10 Worst Rock Videos Ever Made. It’ll make you lose your lunch.

Please comment with your own Top 20 below, or defend your sacred cow that I’ve just decimated.