9 Most Awful Hair Metal Videos Ever Made aka Cock Rock at it’s most flaccid.

A long while back, I did a list of Worst Music Videos. But I’ve discovered several more worthy entries from the 80’s hair metal/cock rock/hard rock scene.

These clownish relics are prime examples of how this musical sub-genre quickly lapsed into self parody. Many of these bands failed to catch on, for good reason.

I have YouTube clips for all these atrocities, so watch and listen in horror and bemusement at a time when these bands were considered dangerous by figures of moral authority. Here are the most awful, worst ever hair metal music videos I could find. Get ready.

 

9. Hold On To 18-Black ‘n Blue

As far as hair metal goes, the song isn’t too bad, but the lead singer has stage moves that rival Billy Squier’s career killing gyrations in Rock Me Tonight. Plus he owes Dee Snider hair royalties. Add in a guitarist who looks like Kristy McNichol, and a drummer with hideous shorts, and you got yourself one lame ass video.

 

8. Midnight Mover-Accept

An assault on the eyeballs from frame one. The majority of this video is a dizzying 360 degree panorama of the band in performance. It’ll either send you into seizures or give you a whopping headache. And when it does come to a halt, you get a  crotch/ass shot of troll-like singer Udo (watch the 2:49 mark if you dare). Oh what a treat!

 

7. God Blessed Video-Alcatrazz

I put Alcatrazz’s Island In The Sun on my previous worst video list, but God Blessed Video is equally wretched. It has a very lame premise that God and Satan are battling for control of MTV. The singer makes Huey Lewis look tough by comparison. And Steve Vai’s guitar soloing may be fast and intricate, but it sounds like musical diarrhea. Add in day-glo imagery and Chess King fashions and it’s a painful multi-media experience.

 

6. Into The Fire-Dokken

Talk about flaccid cock rock. Don Dokken’s facial expressions and George Lynch’ skunk haircut make for great unintentional comedy, and the lame video effects don’t help things much.  But the weirdest part is the helicopter hovering over the band. Guess they were budget strapped and knew a friend with a helicopter license.

 

5. Branded-Rose Tattoo

Okay, this Aussie band are too raw (and ugly) to be hair metal, but they were around at the same time (and a big influence on Guns’N’Roses).

Where to start here; the concept is a bunch of homeless folks living in junkyard cars, doing a weird Thriller-like undead shuffle. The mulleted guitarist’s dopey grin is only equalled by the fake hand on his shoulder. And the singer…oh the singer. Bald, short and dumpy, with jacked up teeth, he looks like Blofeld’s white trash cousin. The song is pretty catchy though.

 

4. High In High School-Madam X

I give this band points for being a true rarity; an equal gender hair metal band. But the exploitation of a dwarf cancels it out. It has the alienated in high school theme, with him as the victim. It’s filled with stupid imagery, like when the teacher pulls the poor guy’s earlobe and stretches it across the room. But the capper comes at the 3:32 mark, where he joins the band on stage, and does a jig before leaping into the singers arms. Ta-da!

 

3. Keep On Running-Y&T

This video has the ole high school nerd who can’t get the girl theme. The geek daydreams that he becomes a giant robot! He pursues the girl who blew him off and saves her from a group of thugs. But given he’s a giant robot, he still can’t get laid and flies away shedding a metallic tear. Then he wakes up, and finds a Y&T shield in his room and gives a knowing smile. W&T&F?

 

2. Love Bomb-Tigertailz

More like Tigerfailz. These douche nozzles are trying so hard, you’d feel sorry for them if their music didn’t make you want to punch them in the face. The song and video are one big cliché machine; band running in slow motion, slinging guitars around their necks, chain gang backing vocals, and a lead singer who sounds like he’s trying to barf up an Aquanet hairball.

 

1. ?-Thor

Jon Mikl-Thor is a triple-non threat; an actor, director, and rocker who failed at all three (click here to see where his films rank on my Best/Worst movie list). This video really speaks for itself and needs no set-up. Words fail me. Don’t know the song title, and don’t care.

So that’s my list of Most Awful Hair Metal Videos. Do you agree these are the worst glam metal vids, or are there any that you’d add to the list? Tell me in the comments.

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