Why did the 2013 MTV VMA Awards ruin my Sunday? So many reasons…

This past Sunday evening started off pleasant enough. After a day spent with family, the wife and I enjoyed the latest ‘Dexter’ episode (despite its multiple plot holes).

After doing a bit of work, I rejoined my wife. She had the MTV VMA Awards on. At which point I began profusely bleeding from my eyes and ears.

My wife said she just wanted to “see what the kids are up to these days”, but she enjoys seeing me go on a pop-culture rant. And nothing gets me as angry as watching MTV these days.

Not because its scandalous. Because it’s so pathetically tame and calculated. So what sent me over the edge? These things:

7. N’Sync Reunion

Justin Timberlake has tried for years to be taken legitimately. So why revisit this embarrassment?  Wearing a shirt that looks like a bib doesn’t help matters much either!

 

6. The musical segues between performances/award winners.

Want to hear a combination of pterodactyl shrieks and robot diarrhea? Because that’s what it sounded like before each presenter took the stage. Jesus.

 

5. Bruno Mars sang a song called Gorilla.

I don’t know much about Mr. Mars, except that he has a decent voice. But singing about having sex with a gorilla? No I’m kidding, he was singing about having sex “like a gorilla!” Charming! These lyrics are both hilarious and sad:

“Oh, you with me baby making love like gorillas/ Ooh, yeah you and me baby we’ll be f***in’ like gorillas
Ooh, yeah (Yeah, yeah, baby, baby, oh yeah, yeah)/You and me baby making love like gorillas!” Just doesn’t roll off the tongue too elegantly.

It was also funny how the diminutive little chap was singing on an raised stage far above his backing band. I guess he didn’t want to be stepped on. At least there were massive pyrotechnics and lights to distract from the shitty tune.

 

4. No Daft Punk performance

The bots were the closest thing to cool the show had to offer. And after snubbing Stephen Colbert’s Colbchella  they did the same here. Perhaps they were just too ashamed to be associated with the event altogether. Those helmets came in handy.

 

3. I had to hear Blurred Lines. Again.

I’ve spent my whole summer trying to get this annoyingly catchy song out of my head, despite my hatred for pop music. And now it’s back!

In the end my guilt is lessened since this tune was stolen from Marvin Gaye’s ‘Got To Give It Up.’ I think Thicke is gonna have to give it up in that lawsuit:

And Thicke looks like a Westworld version of his Dad during the show. He also had a flamboyant Foot Locker inspired wardrobe.

Speaking of which;

 

2. Miley Cyrus

Did you find Miley Cyrus’s gyrating performance sexy? It seemed to be the exact opposite of the term.

Her awkward dance moves were on par with Elaine Benes’s herky jerky moves in that Seinfeld episode.

The VMA’s are synonymous with sexually provocative performances. I get tired of fake outrage, because everyone looks forward to these moments. But there was nothing erotic about Miley’s performance.

My friend Dave Dierksen perfectly nails the train wreck performance:

On the sexiness scale, I’d rank it just below the 44-year old stripper dancing the 3 p.m. shift at Rick’s Cabaret (so I’ve heard) and just a hair above the homeless street girl who gives dirty old men lap dances for coke. Madonna may have introduced Skank City to the VMAs when she performed “Like A Virgin” all those years ago, but even at 7 or 8 years old, I knew that shit was sexy. If I’d seen Miley’s performance from last night at age 7, I would’ve gone to sleep praying that crazy monster wasn’t under my bed waiting to eat me.

And furthermore, I am so over the term ‘twerking.’ That word needs to die a quick death.

1. No Rock Music. NONE.

Between veteran acts like Nine Inch Nails and Queens Of The Stone Age, and new acts like Savages, there’s plenty of rock bands that could play the VMA’s.

Past awards shows usually had a few. But not anymore. MTV was founded on rock music. The fact that it ignores it is as sad as it is infuriating. But given they don’t even play music videos anymore at all, why do the VMA’s still exist?

So you say, okay bitter old man; is there nothing you enjoyed?

Well I did! One Direction getting booed! There’s some justice in the world at least.

And Will Smith’s family’s disgusted reactions to Miley’s performance was priceless.

Ironically enough, that’s the same look that movie goers had while watching Will and Jayden’s flop  ‘After Earth.’

And it was heartening to see a hip-hop act like Macklemore and Lewis advocating for gay rights, even if I dislike their music.

Yes, I realize I’m no longer the target audience for the VMA’s. But it’s just a bummer how generic and weak mainstream music has become. Pop has always been disposable fluff, but it has an extra obnoxious nauseating sugar high to it these days, and it needs to be swept aside. Where is the Nirvana of the 21st century?

So that’s why the VMA’s pissed me off to no end. What did you think of the show? Comment below.

UPDATE: It’s like QOTSA read my mind. What a wonderful antidote to the MTV Shitfest.