The 13 Lamest Comic Book Characters

I recently posted about why Batman’s the best superhero ever (check it out here). He is of course, one of many awesome comic characters, from the most well-known, to what’s referred to in comic geek circles as second tier characters (Daredevil or Green Arrow come to mind), or third tier (Dr Strange, or Swamp Thing). Just a few examples.

But what about turd tier? No that’s not a typo. They can’t all be winners. Sometimes bad ideas get thrown in due to writers block, rushed schedules or being under the influence. It’s to these characters I dedicate this blog to. The inane, the weird, the badly named or costumed. The WTF were they thinking kind of characters? The lamest of the lame.

Some suck horribly,  and some are so oddly endearing that you still love them anyway. So with this in mind I present to you 13 (unlucky number, get it?) lamest comic book characters.

 

13. Yank and Doodle

Created during WWII  for Prize Publications, Yank and Doodle were one of many patriotic heroes (Captain America being the most obvious) to help boost morale during the war. But regardless of their noble intent, their name sucks, and just sounds downright wrong. And their powers aren’t so hot either. When they’re together, they have super strength, and when they’re apart, nada. And I really don’t want to know what  a “yank and doodle special” is, do you?

Superstar comic artist Alex Ross tried to update these and a bunch of other golden oldies a few year back in his “Super-Powers” series, but not even he could make them relevant.

 

12. Wonder Man

Besides the rip-off name  from Wonder Woman (which almost got them sued by DC Comics), Marvel’s Wonderman is nondescript in every aspect. Super strength, flight, glowing eyes, blah, blah, blah. All while wearing a hideous woman’s jacket. A former villain, and sometimes Avenger, he’s the comic book equivalent of Ryan Seacrest or Carson Daly. He keeps showing up to work, but no one really cares or knows how he got there.

 

11. “Snapper” Carr

Snapper Carr was a lame  teenage sidekick for the Justice League, He’s basically their version of the Fonz from “Happy Days” with his finger snapping and crappy rhymes. Like all sidekicks he caused trouble, either by leaking secrets to The Joker or being influenced by lesser villains. The most absurd thing is how he became their member in the first place. When evil alien “Starro” attacked the earth, it spares Snapper, because it’s weakened by the lime residue on his lawn. Yep, one trip to the Home Depot and you too can get into the JLA!

 

 Check out my list of the 24 most unintentionally funny comic book moments.

 

10. Stompa

I love Jack Kirby and feel quite fortunate to have met the comic book legend before his passing. In addition to co-creating many Marvel heroes with Stan Lee, he also did the “New Gods” for DC. It feels much like Star Wars (his came first). But for every awesome character (his villain Darkseid, remains iconic) there’s some weirdos with unfortunate names like Gorgeous Godfrey , The Lump and, wait for it,  Himon! But then there’s Stompa. She has anti-gravity boots that can destroy anyone in her path, and is a force to be reckoned with. But she’s still named Stompa and is, to be kind, a handsome woman of sturdy frame. Someone needs a costume redesign stat!

 

9. Dazzler

Never one to pass up a trend, Marvel came up with the Dazzler at the height of the disco craze.  She was a mutant who could turn sound vibrations into energy beams. She was also a disco singer, so as long as she had a nightclub near by she could be formidable. She also was nimble on her roller-skates.

What, you were waiting for more?

 

8  Bat-Mite

Bat-shite

The Batman mythos is pretty impossible to screw up, but DC sure tried to in the 1950’s & 60’s. As if Ace the Bathound wasn’t bad enough, you had Bat-Mite, an inter-dimensional imp who’s only joy was annoying Batman, as well as readers. He idolized Batman and kept trying to impress him, but would only make a mess of things when he visited Earth. He was also unbearable in the 1970’s Filmation Batman cartoon.

 

7. Maggot

What superhero could be more appealing than one named Maggot? Even by X-Men standards he was pushing it. His digestive system was in the form of 2 slugs. They could leave his body, gather nutrients and then feed it back into him giving him super strength. I don’t think he’d need to worry about having to fight. By the time a villain saw that he would be vomiting and easy to subdue.

 

6. Vibe

DC’s attempt at diversity bit them in the ass when they came up with Vibe, a painful hispanic stereotype; His real name was Paco Ramone, and he was a former gang member of “Los Lobos” (I guess they played “La Bamba” in between gang wars) and get this, he’s a break dancer!  He proved so repellant (legendary artist George Perez hated him) that he disappeared fairly quickly. I guess he just gave off a bad vibe (sorry).

 

5. Matter Eater Lad

Ah, the Legion of Super-Heroes. DC’s huge roster of super powered teens who lived in the 31st century. For every cool character like Timber Wolf or Wild Fire, you have one that sucks. Matter Eater Lad was a real winner. He could eat anything! Yep, toxic waste, bricks, bullets, etc, the world was a giant buffet for Matter Eater Lad. Problem was he couldn’t fight or do anything else useful. He ate his way out of the team and comic book history.

 

4.Arm Fall Off Boy

Oh those wacky Legion of Super Heroes! They had another winner with Arm Fall Off Boy! Nope he’s not the name of a shitty emo band, he’s just a shitty superhero who could detach his arms and beat you to a pulp with the severed arm. Can you believe he was never a household name? I’m sure someone at DC Comics was beaten with an arm for coming up with this doozy.

 

3 . The Whizzer

A knockoff of DC’s the Flash, Marvel’s The Whizzer first appeared in 1940. His origin is pretty goofy. He had to get a transfusion of mongoose blood to counteract a cobra bite, which somehow gave him super speed. But the obvious problem with the Whizzer is his name, which is compounded by the fact that his costume is yellow. Perhaps the phrase “taking a whiz” didn’t exist in the 40’s, but he’d still be the poor man’s Flash even without his unfortunate moniker.

 

2. Mr Mxyzptlk

DC’s other inter-dimensional imp (yep there’s more than one!), is a nemesis of Superman. Like Bat-Mite he’s more of a nuisance than a real threat, although he’s been more sinister in recent years. What makes him ridiculous is his weakness; the only way he can be banished from our dimension is tricking him to say or write his name backwards. First off, with a name like Mxyzptlk, spelling it backwards would be arduous for even the most syntax savvy. Add in his goofy get-up and you have one lame villain, although oddly enough IGN ranked him 78th on their greatest villains of all time list. I don’t get it.

 

1. Red Bee

Never heard of the Red Bee? With good reason. He was a comic character originally published in 1940 by Quality Comics, and later bought and then forgotten by DC.

You see The Red Bee is Rick Raleigh, an assistant D.A. who fought Nazis and gangsters with his trained bees and “stinger gun”. And his favorite bee is named Michael, who lives inside his belt buckle, and only used for “Special circumstances”. I mean, how ridiculous does this get? With a bee you only get one circumstance; once they sting you they die, and they only live for 40-50 days otherwise. Very strange indeed.

I really don’t want to know what thrills Rick got from keeping a bee in his belt buckle, but I think someone is in need of a “Yank and Doodle Special”  if y’know what I mean?

Well I hope you enjoyed the 13 Lamest Comic Book Characters! I’m sure I’ll revisit this at some point when more come to mind. Which ones would you add to the list?

Now check out my lists of  Most Unintentionally Funny Comic Book Moments, Best Comic Book Movies and  Worst Comic Book Movies Ever Made!

Here’s some great books with all the great and goofy Marvel and DC characters:

[amazon_image id=”0756623588″ link=”true” target=”_blank” size=”medium” ]The Marvel Encyclopedia: The Definitive Guide to the Characters of the Marvel Universe[/amazon_image][amazon_image id=”0756641195″ link=”true” target=”_blank” size=”medium” ]The DC Comics Encyclopedia, Updated and Expanded Edition[/amazon_image] [amazon_image id=”081099447X” link=”true” target=”_blank” size=”medium” ]Kirby: King of Comics[/amazon_image]